Mind Over Matter

The farewell of night was not yet complete. The dawn was reluctant to say good bye. And the night was hesitant to leave. The sky was part grey, part pink. Like the healthy cheeks of a dusky maiden. She sat by the window all alone- unaccompanied, but for the early rising birds and late sleeping creatures of the dark. Lost in thought, she would make for a melancholy picture, in her white night dress. She had a black stole loosely wrapped around her. Her attire had contrasting colors, as were her thoughts. Never in her life, had she experienced such divergent emotions. And emanating from the same source! But then her life has always been a tale of contrasts. She has always been circumspect. Not letting go of herself, when it came to major events. But at the same time, she has been impulsive about her day to day life. She has been mature and analytical when it came to big decisions. And she has been extremely child like when it came to little circumstances. So now, she was confused. Is this so inconsequential that she can afford to be impulsive? Her mind refuted that violently. No matter what the outcome be, it’s as far from being inconsequential as possible. So why is she going with the dictate? Not holding on, not giving it a thought, just bowing her head and taking it as it is given? Like a priestess in a pagan temple, she was genuflecting and offering herself at the stone altar. She had never considered herself so brave. No fear, just calmness; when she knows she stands to lose a lot, to get bruised.
But this is as if she can look at herself from outside. And she knew that she would be there for herself. That she is strong enough to ride through this storm. Not that she was certain of the outcome, but she was certain she wanted to roll the dice…
The sky grew pale blue. The chill of the breeze was caressing her burning skin. She felt giddy. And yet peaceful. It could be the years lived by, could be the lessons she had learnt, could be the pebbles she had gathered; or could be a mere act of stupid impulsiveness. She did not care. Perhaps because she knew what it was after all! In all the walks of life, all her moments put together, this was perhaps the very first time that she was truly guided by her heart and not by her mind. Perhaps, for the first time she had found answers to her questions. And she didn’t care if logic was defied in the process. She wishes to be the shepherd girl walking down the twisting valley who knows nothing about it. She gets to gather the early bloom. Unlike the shop girl in a huge metropolitan super store, whose day begins and ends with bargains. She loses and she wins. But at the end, it’s trifling business. And business is what she was not up for…
The morning was complete. There was a golden paint spilt on the leaves fresh from last night’s rain. It’s like her thoughts consummated it. She smiled. And went off to sleep…

Time Pass Outside the office

Sky peeps, from behind the black silhouettes. A muddy orange today, it’s been set on fire just like my soul. The premises have a quietness today, quite queer for such an early hour of the evening. The apartments across the road are glowing with the evening joy, daring the darkness to touch them. The breeze is shuffling through the trees. I decide to stay back for a while before I merge myself in the bustle of the city in my endeavor to get back to the place, I call home. I sit on the foot of one of the towering pillars of the 36 floors building. Being one of the most important office addresses in town, the security is slightly stiff here. The guard walks up to me and smiles patronizingly, “baby, ghar jao…” I lie, “uncle kisi ka wait kar rahi hoon, 15-20 minutes!” He weighs me with his eyes and decides to leave me alone.
The calmness seeps into me gradually. The soaring buildings, the huge spread of grounds in front of me, the spotlights glowing loftily, high above the central garden; they emanate a fascinating aura today. They slowly transcend from being inanimate objects and become a representation of life itself- reminding me how infinitely superior it is, in its entirety. And how, we are too small to be able to measure it! I know there are people who have figured out this enigma, but more on life and its dimensions later. My thoughts drift away from me, swaying slowly with the balmy breeze. And all I feel is an inexplicable peace- with myself and the world at large. The contentment is little scary. But at present, nothing really matters. Holding on to your doubts and anxieties is the root cause of pain. I just want to drift away with the flow now. Like a twig fallen from a tree on the bank.
The darkness is now complete, crowning the spotlights in the garden. The bigger the enemy, the sweeter is the victory. This thought brings a smile. I can feel a glow inside me. So let that fight the sooty concerns, I am going to enjoy the battle now. :)

Pure Rambling, No Seriousness...

The evening is solitary and mellow. Mellow, thanks to Mozart and Beethoven. And also due to pretty shades of crimson and grey, the sky is sporting. A friend just called me, inviting to join him for a couple of drinks. But after the last night, I am not even looking at them for at least a couple of weeks. And I couldn’t go to watch Ratatouille too (damn the vodkas!)! By jove, my head is still spinning a little! After having my evening cuppa, I wrote a little poem. I first thought, I would put it on My Odyssey; but after reading it, it felt so intense, I decided against it. It is a happy poem, pregnant of hope, so I wish I could share it. But then, it is one of those feels that can’t be shared so widely. And I am a little superstitious too! Coming back to last night’s party, it was fun alright! I mean, I had forgotten how the symbi parties used to be. There is nothing like partying with a large group of people- all sharing a little something in common that has made all of them what they are today. A motley crowd and yet so similar! I don’t know, how many of my batch mates would agree, but I sure feel a definite sense of fraternity around them.
Anyway, I have been thinking of writing about a lot of experiences that I have gone through in the past month or so, but have been too tied up paying my dues. And today, when I have the world’s time to spare; all I could do is to sit by the window, and think. There are things happening which are strange to me, and which I had so far considered a foolish deal. But my view point is changing now. And I am scared. And I am scared of being so scared. I remember what Paulo Coelho had to say in the preface of The Fifth Mountain about how man proposes God disposes. And all that stuff about universe and how it guides you. That is in agreement with what I have felt myself sometimes. And those have not necessarily been happy experiences. But that can not stop me from feeling what I feel, or doing what I do. I have to do what I feel like, and if the universe feels otherwise, we will see!

Disclaimer: As I read through the above piece, I found lots of grammatical errors, guess vodkas are still working on me! So although I corrected a few, chances are there would be some left. Kindly adjust!

Holy Mother of God!

I was sitting in the quaint church today for close to 3 hours, in the very first row.
People kept coming and going, but after a while I had lost touch with their footsteps and shuffling and whisperings, drifting to me from behind. It was pure bliss- the peace, the tranquility, the stillness… I was not praying today. Didn’t feel like it. And I don’t exactly remember when I stopped admiring the fine and colorful interiors (the architecture is gothic, I think) and my heavy eyelids drooped slowly into a heavenly stupor. Next thing I remember is I woke up with a start by the chorus of a bunch of little kids behind- “Rejoice Mary, Mother of God…”
I don’t know whether they realized I was sleeping, or they just thought that I was deep in praying. But this was undoubtedly one of the best naps I have ever had!

Come to think of it, falling asleep in a church, that too sitting in the first row!
What would Sr. Benedicta have said to that?
Perhaps, “holy mother of god”!!! :)

Me, Myself and Me Again...

I have realized one thing, the moon (if at all there is one i.e.) always is more beautiful on a Saturday night.

I am sitting by the window, sipping on my late evening cup of tea, listening to moonlight sonata by Beethoven. I could have been at Mondegar, sipping on beer instead, but this suits me better nowadays. Solitude and I always used to click well, but of late, it’s been my best friend. And that’s when I am reminded of this blog, which I had created in a moment very similar to this one- both in texture and in color. I feel I have found a solution to my problem. All my thoughts and feelings that are formed inside me everyday and get lost in the complex maze there itself; they could all find a home here! Seriously, blogging is very much like talking to somebody. Somebody, who is a good listener; and somebody, who doesn’t pretend to understand, even if they aren’t. You have an interface here, so it’s much more than just scribbling in your good old diary. Or, may be they have finally brainwashed me enough to appreciate only those stuff that they want to market to me! O who am I kidding, I am just a rat in the mad race!

Anyway, to stick to the point, I have decided to use this blog as my diary blog now, so you would find my regular posts here. My Odyssey stays, but that would now be exclusively poetry and nothing else. And by the way, if you all are expecting some fireworks over here, there aint gonna be any… It would just be me, a regular and piecemeal me. The only reason I am putting it here is because I feel I have slowly been drifting away from everybody. And the last thing I want is to not to be able to express myself…

And here’s a thought, 156 people on my friend’s list on orkut (That too, when I am really circumspect in adding and approving friends); nearly double on my contact list; and I still don’t find anybody who I feel like discussing real stuff with…
Is it me, or has our world gone real impersonal while I was not looking?